Using Assertive Communication Techniques to Deal With Difficult People
By Marsha Petrie Sue, MBA


Have you ever tried to change another human being? I have -- only to conclude it makes for great first marriages! The basis of encouraging cooperation begins with our own behavior. We cannot control, change, or mold people into more cooperative beings.

For wholehearted success we should take an inward look to determine where we stand on the assertiveness scale. What is your typical approach? Passive, aggressive, or assertive?

Passive:
Compliant. Passive behavior is that behavior which allows others to violate your rights. You become a doormat and let people walk all over you. Typically, the passive person loses and everyone else wins. Their behavioral goals are to be liked, to be nice. Overriding this behavior is the desire to avoid conflict at all cost. Total cooperation is the name of the game. Their message can be very frustrating: "What I think doesn't matter. What I feel is unimportant. I don’t respect myself and I don’t expect you to either. Everyone has rights but me. Nice people don’t disagree. Peace at any price."

Aggressive:
Ready! Fire! Aim! is their motto. Aggressive behavior allows you to stand up for your rights while violating the rights of others. Aggressive people are bullies, ego-centered, and full of themselves. Their behavioral goals are typically to win, boss others around, frighten, conquer, and win at all costs! To get what they want, when they want it! Their message of "You will never have to wonder what I think or how I feel -- I am going to tell you! You are even more stupid than I thought, if you disagree! I’m OK -- you’re not. People should do what I want without questioning me or they will pay dearly. If more people were like me, we wouldn't have the problems we have. I don’t need to listen to anybody. They have nothing to offer me."

Assertive:
Assertive behavior is behavior that allows you to stand up for your rights while valuing the rights of others. You can say no without feeling guilty and without losing your job. You have great respect for yourself and at the same time, a great respect for others. You create a win for you and a win for others. The behavioral goals of assertive people are generally to get the work done at a level of excellence while enhancing the growth and development of those doing the work. They communicate in a style that is accurate and respectful of the dignity of all people involved. Assertive people say things like, "I have no interest in being critical of you for what you think, want, need, or feel. I encourage sharing ideas. We are here to get the job done and to contribute to a positive work environment."

The assertive person’s key thought is, "We all have rights that are equal.
Let me know what I can improve because I want to learn from my mistakes.
I have choices, and I am responsible for the consequences of my decisions. I am not a helpless victim and I will not allow others to decide for me how I will behave. Conflicts provide opportunities to grow and are not something to be avoided. They can lead to a higher level of cooperation."

Think of passive, assertive, and aggressive as points of a continuum. Where do you fit?

"For good or ill, your conversation is your advertisement. Every time you open your mouth you let others look into your mind."

Bruce Barton





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Passive Assertive Aggressive



The assertive communicator understands the choices available when cooperation is the desired end result in dealing with challenging people:

1. Stay and do nothing.
This may not mean we wimp out and fold. This decision may be based on the importance of the situation. Is it worth the time and energy? Is the issue so important that battling with the other person is critical to a better outcome? A key learning I have experienced is to pick your battles. Otherwise you live your life in conflict and turmoil, allowing every encounter to become a confrontation. Your stress level remains high while your success remains low, and you are pushed into either the passive or aggressive mode.

2. Leave.
Maybe a better way to say this is take a time out. An assertive person will reject the situation as it stands right now. If you want to lead the communication to cooperation, the other person may be too enraged to do so. My husband and I have a deal. If one of us gets really upset, the other partner can call a time out -- even the enraged person can do this. The follow-up to this rule is for the person who called the time out to come back within 24 hours and resolve the situation, not to just kick it under the rug.

3. Change your Attitude.
Assertive people realize this as an option. I have studied the effects of attitude on the outcomes we get -- especially when cooperation is the goal. We are dominated by negativism. This is one reason I will not listen to the news in the morning. It can taint my entire day. Studies show the average person talks to him/herself approximately 77 percent of the time and negative self-talk dominates. To exacerbate this, we talk approximately 600 to 800 words per minute in our heads. We are always analyzing everything and giving events a pessimistic view.

I have learned to use the freeze frame to change this negative self-talk to positive. Each thought we have filters through a past frame of reference. An event, something someone said, a memorable encounter, and much more become the frames of reference we pass our thoughts through. When I catch myself saying something negative, I will consciously react, freezing that frame of reference and changing it into a more positive thought, hence the term, " freeze frame." This process does take considerable focus and willingness to change in order to move from the negative to the positive. When we take this risk, we change our attitude and therefore are able to stand up for our rights while not violating the rights of others.

4. Change your Behavior.
In studying behavioral psychology I have learned that it is often easier to change your attitude first, and your behavior will follow. If I consciously change my thinking to be more optimistic, my behavior and actions automatically follow. The idea of tricking myself into a optimistic outlook is appealing because we do become a self-fulfilling prophecy with regards to our behavior. As Henry Ford said, "Whether you can or can't, you are absolutely right." If you believe you will succeed, you will. If you believe you can think more positively, you will. Belief in yourself is driven by the desire to be different tomorrow from who you are today and by the attitude that you can change and succeed.

"I do what I say, I say what I think, I think what I feel."

- Mahatma Gandhi

Mary Lee Tracy, from the Cincinnati Gymnastics Academy and coach to many Olympic greats says, "The mind could be what makes or breaks someone. It’s the strongest muscle in your body that really controls everything else. When that baby’s weak, you’re in trouble." We need to train our brain to develop that muscle, inputting the smart techniques to encourage cooperation.

1. Bull's eye or sitting duck? We must know what our target is in order to establish cooperation. What do we want the person to say or do differently? What do we want the outcome to be? Developing a specific target will drive the process to success. Understanding the specific actions we must employ will ensure hitting the bull's eye. If we don’t have a direction, the chances of our winding up someplace we don’t want to be is predestined! We become sitting ducks. The situation will quickly elevate to dissention and anger. Dr. Stephen Covey says to "Begin with the end in mind," which is one of his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Focus on what you want rather than on what you don't want. If we understand what the target is and maintain focus on what we want, the muscle power in our brain will drive us to act in ways that achieve success subconsciously.

2. Massage your message. The mirroring technique in communication is how we massage our message so the receiver understands our goal. Two points to consider are mirroring and communication style. When we want someone to cooperate and they are standing, we need to stand up, too. If they sit, sit along beside them. Mirror, don't mimic, their body language. Remember that natural barriers, like a table or desk can become boundaries and need to be eliminated in most cases. Also awareness of the other person's communication style is essential. Are they slower paced? We must slow our gestures and rate of speech to match theirs. They may be faster paced. We must pick up the rate of speech to be more similar to theirs. Simply put, people like people who are more like themselves. So we need to match their style, not to parrot or mimic them but to adhere to the Dr. Tony Alessandra’s Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they want to be done unto!

Four communication styles to consider are:

Relaters:
Mostly slower paced, they love people, are tremendously loyal, and building a relationship is critical. We find these people choosing teaching, social work, and healthcare as their typical fields of endeavor.

Logical thinkers:
These people are normally slower paced, analytical, detail oriented, data loving, and task oriented. They can seem aloof and distant. Logicals are likely to be engineers, accountants, statisticians, and in other detail oriented disciplines.

Socializers:
Faster paced, people oriented, verbal, and fun loving. They love to be rewarded and, at times, are not focused. Public relations, sales, and marketing become their fields of choice.

Directors:
Faster paced. They like power and control, are focused and task oriented, and need bottom line results. These people love to be in a leadership role, and we see them as team leaders, supervisors, managers, and CEOs.

Much research has been conducted on these four styles of communications. Smart techniques to establish cooperation includes being able to flex to your style because the chance of our changing them is nil. We can only change ourselves -- though we continue to try to change others! We don’t have to become them, just be aware of what they are so we can mirror elements of their style rather than our own intrinsic style. Easier said than done, especially under stress!

3. Flex your mind muscle. Agree to disagree. Iâve learned we don't always have to be right. Some people continue to walk this earth looking for a fight. Medical studies from many of the leading universities continue to tell us this mind set takes a toll on our health. The constant high levels of adrenaline and cortisol, both stress hormones, will tear down our immune system to the point of making us very ill and eventually killing us. In my opinion, life as too short and there is too much to enjoy to let anger get the best of me!

4. Involve to resolve. Amicably, you both agree and are willing to work on the solution together to achieve the results you want. You see the benefit and so does the other person. This means every part of our communication is focused on a positive outcome, a specific flexible plan is in place, and we are willing to share this optimistically. We must focus on congruency in every element of communications. Our listening must be sincere, our words heartfelt, and our body language open.

The three ingredients of communications

7% = words used

38% = what we hear

55% = what we see

"All bitter feelings are avoided, or at least greatly reduced by prompt, face-to-face discussion." - Walter B. Pitkin


When our communication degenerates from our goal of cooperation, we must observe where the other person falls on our most unwanted list. This list identifies the seven most difficult people to create cooperation with and how to handle them better. Learning these traits allows us to train our brain and flex our communication muscle.

1. The Dominating Tyrant

2. The Back Stabber

3. The Clam

4. The Opinionated Expert

5. The Needy Agonizer

6. The Fault Finder

7. The Whine and Cheeser


1. The Dominating Tyrant
They stay in control by putting others down and are typically quick to discount ideas or changes they did not initiate. If their ideas are countered, their buttons are pushed and they will move even further from cooperation. Sometimes they are unwilling to entertain thoughts conflicting with their ideas.

Their message usually includes:

"If I really want to improve my situation, I can work on the

thing over which I have control ö myself." Stephen R. Covey

What will you do now to apply these smart techniques to encourage success?

1. Identify the needs and benefits for both.

2. Change the pattern of interaction.
Agree where disagreements can coexist.